Feelings.

I’ve been listening to music and it’s really helped me through my little predicament. Music can really solve everything. 🙂

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m not going to give up on this. I will fight to keep him if I have to. I’m not giving up that easy this time. I finally have someone who makes me feel safe, happy, worth it, loved. I refuse to lose that. Especially when I’m so close to having him as mine. At least I think so. I know exactly how I feel about all of this but I’m not sure he is.

This morning we laid in each other’s arms and cuddled so tightly. I felt so safe and secure, like all the bad that’s ever happened to me just disappeared and it was just him and I. That was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. I wish I could have that every morning. What I wouldn’t give to have that..

His kisses were the best as well. They felt more of need then want this time. As if he needed mine and I needed his. Maybe it was just me but I know something sparked in him. Even if it was just a small spark there was something there. I know there was.

I’m falling head over heels and I don’t care anymore!! ❤ ❤ ❤ I love the feeling he’s giving me! The next time I’m with him, face to face, I will tell him exactly how I feel. I have too. That’s the only way I can know for sure that I’m not falling for somebody who doesn’t feel the same way.

Why Do Things Have To Be So Complicated.. :(

I don’t even know where to begin..

I’m falling for someone I can’t have. Simple as that.. I suppose.

We both know that what we’ve been doing is only going to hurt us in the end but neither of us ever stop…

I’m just falling so hard… I don’t know what to do! 😦

I want to go to my mom and try and ask her advice on this but I know she’ll be of no use to me. It seems like I have no one to turn to. So I’m stuck figuring all of this out for myself.. and I don’t think that’s how it should be.

I wanted to completely tell him my feelings and everything but I choked and never said anything. I’m just so afraid he’s going to be disgusted with me and tell me stay away. Or he’ll feel the same way back but won’t want to commit… or something down that line.

Life=complicated.

Just One Of Those Days.

It’s just one of those days where you’re afraid to talk to someone because you feel as though you’re a constant bother.

This just sucks.

I hate feeling like I’m a complete bother to him. I feel like maybe I’m trying to hard. Am I?

Maybe I’m just afraid of losing the one thing I have right now. He really is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. He’s made me happy and smile. All the time. I really don’t want to lose that.

I’m afraid that if I keep trying to hold onto him that I’m just going to wind up losing him.. I don’t want that at all.

He got pretty mad at me yesterday but i guess it was kinda my fault. I don’t try to be pushy and never thought I was to begin with. But now I’m starting to think otherwise. Maybe it’s my fault I only have so many friends. Could I really be the reason why no one really wants to be around me? Could it seriously be fault?

I guess that’s just something I need to work on.

No telling how that’s gonna go.

Wish me luck!

Life…

I’m falling for someone I can’t have…Help me. Please. 😦

After my last break, I am so afraid to trust and to love and now…there’s someone in my life that makes me want trust and to be loved but because of my fear…I can’t let him in.

He’s like 3 or 4 years older than me. He has his own place, job, and car. I want to be with him more than anything. The main reason it would never work out is my parents.. if they could only understand..

I never thought I could feel like this for someone again after the heartache I went through. I was so torn up from it I wouldn’t do anything.. but he was right there. Waiting patiently for me to come to and ever since then he’s stuck around. That’s a lot more than what I could have ever asked for.

I just wish I could come straight out with it and tell him exactly how I feel.

Maybe he feels the same way back?

If so, does that mean he’ll wait for me?

Or am I hoping for the impossible?

Why does life makes things so complicated! I just wish the answer would be right in front of me so I wouldn’t have to sit here and play the “What if” game.

Life is just so… difficult sometimes.

Why am I falling for someone I KNOW will never take me..

I want him to. But I know it’ll never happen.

I want him to just take me away so we can stay together away from other people. But I know it’ll never happen.

I want him to just tell me how he really feels. But I know it’ll never happen.

I want him to….. love me. But I definitely know it’ll never happen.

😦 </3

Getting Things Off My Chest.

Since the 19th things in my life have been up and down like no other. All in all. It’s sucked.

People:

I can’t stand people who don’t use common sense or even their brain! It’s just plain annoying and makes me want to smack them in their dumb faces. If someone says to stop something, then just stop. Don’t try to drag things on. Isn’t that just the right thing to do? But no. I have to get stuck with people who are just plain dumb or act dumb because they think it makes them look “cool” and these are the main people that just down right piss me off. Nothing is more annoying than having that one kid in class that acts like that.

Reasons Why It Has Been Up:

Main reason is because I finally found somebody that understands everything I go through and can actually relate to just about everything that’s been going on. That’s more than what I could have ever asked for right now and it’s absolutely what I needed. He’s just a great guy all in all and I’m so happy he’s in my life now. No we’re not “together” but we’re close and I’m enjoying it. I love all of my friends that have actually helped me through this because they’re the main reason I can still laugh and attempt to smile. And if it weren’t for a certain someone I seriously wouldn’t be here right now. Another reason why I’m so happy I have them. They’re all amazing and I’m glad each and everyone of them could keep me up before I fell again.

Reasons Why It Has Been Down:

Just recently endured a bad break up. It sucked. It is sucking. I hate it. I want to hate him but I can’t. Things are so bad I can’t even begin to put into words how bad it is. I want to try but just thinking about it makes me want to cry. On top of how bad all of this is making me feel, I had to have his dad sit there and, in short, tell me that his son was the victim and I was the heartbreaker. Total bull. I’m not going to get into that to much but I will say that it is pretty ridiculous when an ADULT is acting more like the drama infested teenager than the actual teen. Grow up. Anywho, everyone at school keeps asking about it and all it’s doing is just pissing me off because they’re mainly just asking to hear gossip. Not because any of them actually care. And even when I say it’s a touchy subject and I don’t want to talk about it, they still persist on bugging me about it. Is it not bad enough that I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since the incident? Apparently not. No, I have to endure everyone’s crap because no body understands space. I NEED SPACE. I’ve wanted to just stay home and curl up in a ball every day since then. But do I? No. Feeling like absolute shit and completely hurt isn’t a good reason to want to cry in peace. I swear I almost cried yesterday because certain people just wouldn’t back off. I hate that it’s this bad but it’s so hard to get over something like this.

Sorry to be venting so much about all of this but it’s either get everything out on here or explode inside. Thank you, to anyone who actually reads this, for listening.

Everyone needs someone to just listen sometimes.

Songs And The Meaning Of Their Lyrics (and other junk)

Have you ever started listening to a sad song and the lyrics just fit the situation you’re going through so perfectly that you just cry? Well…it sucks when it happens. Mainly because it turns into nonstop crying. All night. One song that really got to me tonight was The Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance. It mainly talks about losing people you’ve loved whether it be they passed away or they just aren’t in your life anymore. Either way it makes me cry. I’ve lost 4 people in my whole 15 years of living and even now I still refuse to admit they’re all gone. Losing someone you love and grow up with is so hard to get over. I can’t even look at a picture of any of them without wanting to cry. Well anyway, I wanted to list a few songs that I think have a lot of meaning.

• When You’re Young by 3 Doors Down —“So far away from knowing where I am going. I am trying hard to find out who I am. They all say that I don’t know what I am doing. I say they don’t hardly understand”

These couple of lines kinda hit home for me mainly because this is exactly how I’ve felt for a very very long time and I don’t think it could have been worded any better. It’s just saying “I don’t know who I am yet but I am trying to figure it out and even if you say I’ll never find out well then you’ll never understand me.” This has pretty much been the exact argument between my mother and I.

“Everything seems perfect. Everything’s OK. It will all get better now. At least that’s what they say. But I don’t see it coming.”

Once again, this part really got to me. I am constantly having to tell myself that everything will be okay and that it’s all gonna get better when it’s obviously not going to. Hence the part “But I don’t see it coming.” I know my life will never be as perfect as I want it to be. It would be perfect if I had a mother that didn’t constantly drink and constantly bullied me. It’d be perfect if I had a dad that could trust me again. It’d be perfect if I hadn’t made so many mistakes and tore my family apart. It’d be perfect if I could have a little sister that still looked up to me. It’d be perfect if…I could just go back and stop someone from drinking himself to death. If I could tell her to wear her seat belt before going down that road. If I could tell her I love her before she passed away. If I could have followed her when she ran away from me and left me alone. But no. Life isn’t perfect.

• Not Falling Apart by Maroon 5—“Now I can’t walk, I can’t talk anymore. Since you walked out the door. And now I’m stuck living out that night again. I’m not falling apart”

Man, just this small part brings back so many memories. Obviously it’s talking about heartbreak and getting used/played. I love the way it’s put because it’s just perfect. Pretty much saying yeah you walked out on me but I’m not gonna fall apart. Or you can look at it as saying you walked out on me and I’m gonna say I’m not completely torn apart but that I’m perfectly okay. I for one look at it like the second way. Mainly because that’s what happened to me. You think you’re “in love” with someone, give yourself to that person and then have them just walk out on you. Two years of your life just gone. I had put on a smile and acted like it didn’t hurt but I was really just dying on the inside and I felt like I was slowly falling apart and losing myself.

Well that’s the end of that. I guess the point of me doing this was to let, whoever reads this, to know a little about me and a little bit of the reason of why I act the way I do.

Now onto ranting. My boyfriends mother is BEYOND annoying. She’s that one parent that is just way to overprotective and tries so hard to be the “cool parent” that is just becomes annoying. He’s 15 but she treats him like he’s 5 which is just dumb. I understand that he’ll always be your little boy but seriously? Getting mad because he slept with one to many pillows because it didn’t look comfortable to her? Like really? And the fact that this all happened at like 3-5 in them morning just pissed me off. And she kept coming in and out of the room to “finish the argument”. -__- GROW UP. He’s 15. Not 5. Give him space. Loosen the leash. The tighter you hold on the worse he wants to get free. I don’t understand why she can’t see this. I mean she’s been with my boyfriend longer than I have (obviously. It’s his mom.) and from the moment I’ve met her til now It’s just gotten worse and I can tell he’s not exactly happy. So there’s that argument.

Secrets. I have so many of them. Especially one I’ve never told anybody ever. I don’t think I will ever tell anybody really. I think that’s mainly because I can still barely cope with it and just the thought of it makes me want to puke.

Maybe when I can cope with it I’ll talk about it with someone. Maybe.

Anywho, I think I may just end it here. Goodnight loves<3

P.S.: Please support gay marriage!!! Everyone deserves to have that dream wedding!! 😀